Warp Speed To Old Age: How I dealt With Senior Issues Before I Was One
OMG…now what? The list of growing critical issues in front of me was increasing exponentially. It was excruciating enough facing, out of the blue, that my active, energetic, in tip top shape and excellent health, youthful looking 62 year old, true love husband had a supersonic growing brain tumor and death was surely barreling down upon us. There was no denying it, as much as I fantasized he would be a miracle survivor, and like the light of a fast approaching, not so far off train you catch in the distance, there was no stopping it.
Too much to figure out and piles of papers and endless matters to go through lay in front of me. Financials, burial instructions, insurances, businesses, jobs, advanced directives, wills, legal formalities, not to mention treatments, medical Hail Marys and family made no time for me to sink into the pit of despair and sadness where, truth be told, I wouldn’t have minded sinking at all.
Here’s the kicker – my husband had a huge growing B-R-A-I-N tumor which is so shockingly different than any other horrible terminal illness with which a person may, at least, have his thinking intact even if a part of their body could not be functioning at full capacity. But my husband’s normally brilliant brain processes were suddenly compromised. He who had just published highly intelligent books and articles, changed laws, lectured exceptional classes, won 5Ks, discussed a plethora of topics with wit and smarts and was actually known for his quick thinking multitasking brain was now with limited speech and reading skills, lost writing expertise not to mention left sided physical limitations. Did I mention this was all just about overnight? He had morphed into an older senior with Alzheimer’s-like symptoms way before his time. Every issue on the table was one you would hope to have been prepared for long before those senior, golden years. Now they were in my present.
And …the kicker of the kicker….PASSWORDS!
My husband couldn’t remember his passwords. Not one. I’m not going to discuss his owns frustration. Believe me, he knew what he didn’t know and faced it all with grace and class. That’s another topic. But those passwords! In this day and age, how many do we each have? Do the math while imagining the sheer number of them I was missing from someone who had been a totally tech savvy, clever, lawyer/author/speaker/communicator. I could not even log onto his computer itself to check up on the crazy amount of things that I needed other passwords for.
At the time, I worked as an over scheduled Director of an Assisted Living facility specializing in memory loss. (Is this sounding ironic to you?) I enjoyed working with my elderly residents, many who were affected by compromised motor skills, along with altered communication, reading and writing skills. I loved being with them each day and thought I was doing an admiral job of keeping them feeling productive, respected & loved. But here’s the thing – they were SENIORS. They had already put their affairs in order, downsized, had walkers or wheelchairs, accessible living spaces for disabilities, lived in a safe environment and had support they needed. That’s when it hit me in the gut like a sucker punch – at home we had warp sped into old age with every aging issue out there to deal with and we were not prepared for any of it.
Why would we have planned anyway? Like so many others we had the fantasy that catastrophic situations happen to other people not us. My husband was a lawyer, but we didn’t have updated wills? Advanced directives? No one appointed Durable Power of Attorney? Critical financial information stored in one place? A list of professionals he used? I started studying our 4 floor old Victorian with the steep, slate steps to enter and saw clearly that it was no safe place at all for my now elder-like but young husband. Quick, do we try to re do the house in a flash to make it senior, or rather brain tumor, friendly, or move to a one floor condo? Do we get home health to come in to provide therapies and other services? How do I untangle the maze of all the critical information I needed like the life insurance policies or investment portfolios …the list just went on and on. And, how about those darned, yet mysterious, PASSWORDS ?
Eventually, with a huge amount of creativity & focus, support from my inventive adult kids, professionals and extended family, much was becoming untangled. I had to hire a computer expert to break into the computer and reset the main password. It wasn’t inexpensive. As I write this it is a year and a half since my husband died, and I’m still working with a mound of paper work, but it is drastically reduced. There may be an end in sight, at least as far as the paperwork goes.
I feel an enormous amount of sadness and regret that I had to spend too much of my husband’s precious last weeks frenetically figuring out complex issues, instead of being a loving partner. I so wish I could have sat more and just read aloud his favorite history books to him or listen together to way more music we loved. It’s a huge personal challenge to try to rise beyond my deep emotions about this. I remind myself how scared I was and how there was limited information and support. So many friends and clients have shared similar feelings when it came to being caregivers to their aging parents. They were so caught up, panicked and frustrated in attempting to solve all the issues in the directionless maze of Senior care, they missed out being a supportive loving child.
There are lessons I pass along from all of this. It is a priority for us to help our parents gain some semblance of order and planning and education about their approaching older age hood. These may not always be easy discussions but critical nonetheless. Even more important is that vibrant people in their 50s and certainly upwards, who think their impending “Seniorhood” is way off somewhere and they’ll get to it later, should already be organizing their affairs. No one wants to have these conversations which feel uncomfortable. However, this is a true gift to our loved ones if, and when, the time comes when it is needed.
I created original materials to help simplify the process and educate us all on what’s up the road. I took all those proverbial lemons that piled up in the trauma/drama of my husband’s illness and created a recipe for lemonade. No one else should be caught unprepared for the future or have to react with panic and mistakes in a health crisis, sudden aging issue or in a life or death scenario. My world may have warp sped into old age overnight, but I consider being a primary support for Seniors, and their Baby Boomer/Gen X children, a true calling. I help enable others, with my Essentials Kit, to plan their future more intelligently, avoid mistakes and embrace today and tomorrow with much needed clarity and security.
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